There was a sea scout camp near a beach where the porpoises were so friendly they swam into shore at dinner time. The chef used to announce dinner by yelling: "Dinner! For all in tents...and porpoises."
Two women friends had gone for a Girls Night Out, but had been decidedly over-enthusiastic on the Bacardi Breezers. Incredibly drunk and walking home they needed to pee. They were very near a graveyard and one of them suggested they do their business behind a headstone or something.
One of them had nothing to wipe with so she thought she'd take off her panties and use them, then throw them away. Her friend however was wearing a rather expensive underwear set and didn't want to ruin hers but was lucky enough to salvage a large ribbon from a wreath that was on one of the graves and proceeded to wipe herself with that. They then made off for home.
The next day one woman's husband phoned the other husband and said These #### girls nights out have got to stop. My wife came home last night without her panties" "That's nothing" said the other "Mine came backwith a card stuck between the cheeks of her butt that said 'From all of us at the Fire Station. We'll never forget you'."
There was this guy who had a tapeworm that he couldn't get rid of. He had seen several doctors, but none of them had an effective treatment. He finally wound up in the office of a rather disreputable older doctor with a thick accent. "Yesss, I haff a tdreatmet zat vill vork. Idt takes seven dayz. Ve stardt now. " The doctor brings in a peeled banana and a cookie. "Take down your pantz andt bend over!" With no further ado, the doctor shoves in the banana and, after waiting a minute, shoves in the cookie. "Ferry goodt! Come back tomorrow!"
The same uncomfortable procedure was repeated the next day and the next, and the next. After 6 days, the patient was complaining mightily, " Doc! This is getting nowhere, and it hurts!!" The doctor says," Vell! I tink ve are readdy for ze final phase!" The doctor brings in a banana and a hammer. "Take down your pantz andt bend over!" He shoves in the bannana and picks up the hammer. He waits. After a minute, the tapeworm sticks its head out and says, "Where's my cookie?" WHAM!!!!.
(Hoping not to be the first and only moderator to wind up in the Trash Bin)